WHY YOUR “APOLOGIES” FAIL TO WORK

Which would you prefer be said to you by your spouse? “you’re mad that I was late, sorry about that” or “I’m sorry I was late. I know it was rude, and it messed up your night. In the future, I will leave home extra early to make sure I arrive on time.”

It’s a safe bet that everyone would pick the second apology. In fact, the first sentence couldn’t really be classified as an apology. But in most cases, our statements resemble the first apology more than the second. Why is it so?

Sometimes our pride and ego gets in the way of admitting we were wrong. We also might be genuinely unsure as to why someone is upset, but hope a sincere apology of some sort will help.

How To Say You’re Sorry

Knowing how to apologize is essential in maintaining healthy relationship and marriage. Conflict and making mistakes are inevitable. We know that we will eventually hurt someone, so we must also know how to apologize. If you find yourself in a situation that calls for an apology, follow these steps to say and truly mean you’re S.O.R.R.Y.

(S)ay it: This may seem obvious, but you have to begin by saying you’re sorry. Start with “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.” But don’t’ stop there. Express remorse and be specific. What are you sorry for and what do you need to admit? For instance,“I’m sorry I yelled at you. I lost my patience, and that was wrong.” Be sincere about it.

(O)wn it: Don’t make excuses for your words or actions. Admit what you did. It might even be helpful to take this to the next level and let the person know you recognize the results of your actions. Empathize with what they must be going through as a result of what your action. “I know what I said hurt you. I know it must have been hard to hear, especially after everything you’ve done for me. It was wrong of me to say those things.”

(R)epair and (R)estore: Make a sincere effort to repair the relationship/marriage. Do something to set things right. You could say something like, “I want to make this up to you. If there’s anything I can do, just ask.” Or “I’ve realised I have been neglecting our marriage or relationship. I’d like to set aside at least one night each week for a date with you.”

(Y)earn for change: As you seek ways to repair and restore the relationship, look to make changes. Not only should you tell the person that you’re sorry, follow up by demonstrating that it won’t happen again. None of us are perfect and we are guaranteed to fail again in some way, but explain how you plan to make changes that will stop you from repeating this mistake. For example, if you’re chronically late, promise to change your habits by leaving home earlier. A true apology is complete in our sincere efforts to avoid repeating the action or making same mistake.

Finally, this you must know; “sorry about that” is neither an apology nor a sign of humility; “I am sorry” is.